GUEST BLOG: How to Build Healthy Sleep Habits Without Cry-It-Out

with friend of Frame, and expert Toronto sleep consultant, Andia Gordon of Have Baby. Must Sleep.

When parents come to me looking for help with their baby’s sleep, one of the first questions I’m often asked is: What sleep training method do you use?

It makes sense. Sleep training has become almost synonymous with “cry it out,” and many parents are understandably worried that improving their baby’s sleep means putting them in a crib, saying goodnight, closing the door and not returning until morning.

But that isn’t where healthy sleep begins. And it certainly isn’t where it ends.

Before I’m concerned about a sleep training method, I want to look at the much bigger picture. Is your baby feeding well? Are they comfortable? Are they getting enough calories during the day? Is their sleep environment safe and conducive to sleep? Is their timing appropriate for their age? Do they have predictable routines that help signal that sleep is coming?

These pieces form the foundation of healthy sleep. And sometimes, improving them can solve a surprising number of sleep challenges before we ever need to talk about formal sleep training.

First, What Does “Cry It Out” Actually Mean?

There is a lot of confusion around this term.

When we talk about traditional “cry it out,” we are generally referring to extinction: a parent puts their baby down, says goodnight, leaves the room and does not return to provide sleep support until morning.

That is only one approach to sleep training.

There are other more responsive ways to work on sleep in which parents continue to provide reassurance and support while giving their baby the opportunity to develop independent sleep skills.

At its core, sleep training is about changing or removing some or all of the help a child currently needs to fall asleep, whether that help is feeding, rocking, bouncing, holding or having a parent beside them, and then responding consistently while they learn a new way to fall asleep.

It is also important to be realistic: responsive does not necessarily mean there will be no crying. Babies communicate through crying, and changing something familiar can bring frustration and protest.

But before we get anywhere near choosing a method, there are several things I want to look at first.

1. Start With Feeding and Physical Comfort

In the early weeks and months, feeding should take priority over almost everything we do with sleep.

Not every baby naturally takes to breastfeeding or bottle feeding. Some babies struggle with latching, transferring milk or taking a full feed efficiently. Before worrying about schedules or independent sleep, we want to know that feeding is established, baby is growing appropriately and they are physically comfortable.

Once feeding is going well, we can look at how feeds are distributed throughout the day. Full daytime feeds can help us better understand night wakings and whether a baby may genuinely need nutrition overnight or is making up for calories they aren't getting during the day.

Some babies begin taking smaller feeds during the day and more of their calories overnight, sometimes referred to as reverse cycling. Supporting fuller daytime feeds can be an important piece of improving nights.

I also want to pay attention to how a baby looks and feels while they're feeding, playing and settling for sleep. If your baby frequently seems uncomfortable, very tense or stiff, arches their body, consistently favours turning their head in one direction, or has difficulty getting comfortable even when you're supporting them, it's worth discussing what you're seeing with your baby's healthcare provider.

Feeding difficulties can also sometimes warrant an assessment for oral restrictions, including tongue or lip ties. Clicking, leaking milk, difficulty maintaining a latch, frequent loss of suction, very long or inefficient feeds, or difficulty transferring milk are all reasons to look more closely at feeding function.

That doesn't mean every baby who struggles with feeding or sleep has an oral tie. What matters is how your baby is functioning: Are they feeding effectively? Are they comfortable? Are they growing appropriately?

Sleep doesn't happen in isolation. Before we focus on teaching a baby to fall asleep differently, we want to make sure there isn't something getting in the way of their ability to feed, move and rest comfortably.

2. Create a Safe Sleep Environment

Healthy sleep always starts with safe sleep.

Your baby should have a safe, firm and flat sleep surface, such as an approved crib or bassinet, without loose blankets, pillows, bumpers, toys or other objects in the sleep space. Babies should be placed on their backs for sleep.

The room should also be comfortable rather than overly warm, with good air circulation. I don't recommend hanging or attaching anything to the crib or bassinet that could create a safety risk.

Safe sleep recommendations should always take priority over something that promises to help your baby sleep longer. If you're unsure about your baby's sleep space, refer to current safe sleep recommendations or speak with your healthcare provider.

3. Make the Environment Conducive to Sleep

Once we know the space is safe, we can make it work for sleep.

I generally recommend a dark, quiet and calming sleep environment. Newborns are still developing their circadian rhythm and understanding of day versus night, but creating a different environment for sleep can help establish those cues over time.

A continuous sound machine can also be helpful. I personally prefer brown noise because I find the steady sound soothing. Whatever sound you choose, keep the machine a safe distance (6-7 feet away from your baby's head and the volume appropriately low (40-50 db).

You may discover that you start liking it too. Babies are surprisingly noisy sleepers. They grunt, move and make all kinds of sounds during active sleep, and continuous, calming background noise can help everyone sleep through some of those little sounds.

4. Swaddle Safely, If Your Baby Likes It

For young babies who respond well to swaddling, it can be a wonderful sleep tool.

A swaddle should allow healthy movement around the hips and should never be overly tight. Some babies simply don't like having their arms down. If yours is constantly fighting the swaddle, you don't need to force it. An arms-up style may work better.

Most importantly, swaddling needs to stop when your baby begins showing signs that they are trying to roll.

5. Understand Sleepy Cues and Wake Windows

One of the most common questions parents ask is whether they should follow sleepy cues or wake windows.

My answer is: both can be useful.

Early sleepy cues can be subtle. Your baby may become quieter, stare off into space, turn away from a feed or lose interest in toys.

As they become more tired, you may see redness around the eyebrows, face or ear rubbing, fussiness or difficulty settling.

And then there are the babies who seem to become more awake when they're overtired. They can be animated, wide-eyed and incredibly alert. Parents will often tell me, “My baby just doesn't need much sleep. They could stay awake forever!”

Sometimes that very awake-looking baby is actually exhausted.

Not every baby gives us reliable sleepy cues, so you don't need to spend your entire day searching for them. That's where age-appropriate wake windows can provide a useful framework.

A wake window is simply the approximate amount of time your baby can comfortably stay awake between periods of sleep.

Wake windows aren't meant to be followed to the exact minute. They're a starting point, and your baby's individual sleep needs and behaviour still matter.

As babies get older, their ability to comfortably stay awake generally increases throughout the day. A four-month-old, for example, may tolerate a shorter first wake window in the morning (1 h 45) and progressively longer windows (2 h) as the day goes on.

Getting timing right can make an enormous difference. A baby who simply isn't tired enough may fight sleep, while a baby who has been awake too long can become overtired and struggle to settle.

6. Build Predictable Sleep Routines

Babies learn through repetition and predictability.

Once you're settled at home and it feels manageable, you can begin introducing simple bedtime and pre-nap routines.

There is absolutely no perfect bedtime routine. It needs to work for your family.

It might include feeding, a bath, wiping baby's face and hands with a warm cloth, infant massage, pajamas, a song, a book, prayers or cuddles.

In the beginning, bedtime routines can feel long simply because feeding takes time and you need to help them settle; independent sleep isn’t something we focus on until after a baby is 4 months. Focus less on creating the “perfect” routine and more on having a few consistent elements that your baby begins to associate with sleep.

7. Practice the Crib Without Expecting Perfection

You don't need to go from contact naps to independent crib sleep overnight.

If your baby is struggling with the bassinet or crib, start with practice.

I often recommend trying one nap a day in the crib, frequently the first nap of the day when sleep can come more easily. You can put your baby down, pick them up when they need support, settle them and try again.

If the nap only lasts 20 or 30 minutes? That's okay. Rescue the nap if you need to.

And if you're not ready to practise naps yet, simply give your baby opportunities to become familiar with the crib while awake. Place them safely in it for a few minutes while you get dressed or put laundry away.

The crib doesn't need to suddenly become a place where your baby is expected to perform. It can become a familiar, safe space first.

And it's perfectly normal to help young babies fall asleep. Rocking, holding, feeding and cuddling your baby aren't “bad habits” that you've created. As your baby gets older, if the amount of help they need to fall asleep is no longer working for your family, you can decide whether you want to change it.

Healthy Sleep Is Bigger Than a Sleep Training Method

There is so much we can work on before deciding whether formal sleep training is right for your family.

Feeding. Physical comfort. Daytime calories. Safe sleep. Environment. Wake windows. Routines. Familiarity with the crib.

These aren't small details around the edges of sleep training. They are the foundation of healthy sleep.

Sometimes getting the environment, feeding and timing right solves much more than parents expect.

And if your baby still needs significant help to fall asleep, wakes frequently or your family's current sleep situation is no longer sustainable, then we can talk about whether you want to work toward independent sleep and what approach is appropriate for your child.

Sleep training doesn't have to mean closing the door and returning in the morning. There are responsive approaches that allow you to remain present and supportive while helping your baby learn a new way to fall asleep.

There is also no prize for getting there faster.

The goal isn't to create a baby who never needs you. It's to create healthy, sustainable sleep habits while responding to your baby in a way that feels appropriate for your child and your family.

Ready to take the next step with sleep?

Building healthy sleep habits starts with the foundations: feeding, comfort, timing, environment and routine. But if you’ve worked on those pieces and sleep is still a struggle, you don’t have to figure out the next step alone. At Have Baby. Must Sleep., we look at the whole picture before recommending an approach, and build an individualized sleep plan based on your baby, your family and what feels comfortable for you. Book a free chat if you would like to learn more about our approach to baby sleep support. 

About Have Baby. Must Sleep.

Have Baby. Must Sleep. is a pediatric sleep consultancy helping exhausted families navigate sleep from newborn through age five with confidence, compassion, and realistic support.

Founded by mom and sleep consultant Andria Gordon, the company was built on the belief that families deserve more than generic sleep advice and rigid one-size-fits-all methods. Today, the Have Baby. Must Sleep. team has helped thousands of families improve sleep through customized, relationship-focused support tailored to each child, parenting style, and family dynamic.

Known for its balanced and supportive approach, the team also offers benefits-covered programs that integrate pediatric sleep support with perinatal mental health care through registered social workers.

Learn more at www.havebabymustsleep.com.